Managing Holiday Stress as a Couple: Staying Connected Through the Chaos

The fire is crackling. The meal is perfect. And everyone is smiling. It’s the "Hallmark movie" version of the holidays. For most of us, the reality looks different. There are overcooked meals, strained budgets, conflicting schedules with in-laws, and a to-do list that seems to grow by the hour. Suddenly, the season of peace and joy feels more like a season of panic and pressure.

If you find yourself snapping at your partner more often this month, or feeling a growing distance between you, when you’re supposed to be "merry and bright," know this: you are not alone. High stress often equals high conflict. However, the stress itself doesn't have to drive you apart. By intentionally managing holiday stress as a couple, you can protect your relationship from the chaos and actually use this season to deepen your bond.

Why Holiday Stress Triggers the "Negative Cycle"

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we talk a lot about "the cycle" or "the dance." This is the repetitive pattern of conflict that couples fall into when they feel disconnected. Under normal circumstances, you might be able to navigate small irritations with grace. But holiday stress acts like a magnifying glass. It drains our emotional battery, leaving us with fewer resources to manage our reactions. You then might find yourself getting stuck in a familiar relationship pattern:

• The Pursuer: You might try to manage holiday stress by controlling the details. You create lists, you remind your partner (again) to pick up the gift, and when they forget, you criticize. Underneath your criticism, you might fear: “If I don’t handle this, it all falls apart, and I’ll feel alone.”

• The Withdrawer: You might feel overwhelmed by the demands and your partner's harsh words. So, you shut down. You retreat to your phone, stay longer at the office, or go silent to avoid a fight. Underneath your silence, you might fear: “I can’t do anything right, so it’s safer to do nothing at all.”

  
  

This cycle isn't happening because you are bad partners. It’s happening because you are human. Recognizing that holiday stress triggers this negative dance is the first step toward stopping it.

Proactive Steps for Managing Holiday Stress as a Couple

The goal isn't to eliminate stress—that’s likely impossible during the holiday season. The goal is to face the stress together rather than turning on each other:

1. Create a United Front

Sit down before the chaos peaks and ask each other, “What do we want our holiday to feel like?” If you both value relaxation but your calendar is booked solid every night, you are setting yourselves up for failure. Managing holiday stress as a couple means giving yourselves permission to say "no" to invitations that threaten your sanity.

2. Communicate Your Capacity (and Your Needs)

When we are stressed, we often speak from our "secondary emotions"—the reactive anger, frustration, or irritability. We might say, “You never help me with the cooking!” This usually triggers a defensive reaction. Instead, try slowing down and using communication strategies that speak from your "primary emotions"—the deeper feelings of fear or sadness.

It sounds different to say: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed by hosting your family, and I’m scared I’m going to mess it up. I need to know we’re a team on this. Can you help me with the prep?” This invites your partner to come close and comfort you, rather than defend themselves.

The Art of Repair: What to Do When You Disconnect

Let’s be realistic: even with the best intentions, you might still have an argument over whose turn it is to wrap the presents. That is okay. In healthy relationships, the goal isn't to never fight; it's to get good at relationship repair.

Ruptures happen. It’s the repair that matters. If you find yourself stuck in a negative interaction, try these steps to get back on track:

1. Hit the Pause Button: If the conversation is spiraling, call a twenty-minute break, letting your partner know when you’ll return to talk with them. Focus on calming your nervous system during the break.

2. Own Your Move in the Dance: Come back and admit your part. “I’m sorry I snapped at you about the tree. I was feeling anxious about money, and I took it out on you.”

3. Validate Their Experience: “I can see how my nagging made you want to walk away.”

   
   

When you prioritize repair, you send a powerful message to your partner: Our relationship is more important than me being right. 

Reconnect with Your Partner

When we are busy, the relationship is often the first thing to get pushed to the bottom of the priority list. We assume it will run on autopilot. But love needs attention, especially during high-stress times.

You need to intentionally create "islands of sanity"—small, protected spaces of time where you can focus solely on reconnecting with your partner.

This doesn't have to be a grand gesture or a weekend getaway. It can be "micro-moments" of connection:

• Being intentional about checking in with each other, asking how your partner is doing amidst the seasonal stress and how you might support them better. 

• Having coffee together in the morning before the kids wake up, putting away electronic devices and focusing on each other.

• Engaging in a shared glance across the dinner table when a relative says something outrageous—a silent signal that says, “I see you, and we’re in this together.”

  
  

The holidays are fleeting, but your relationship is the constant. By managing holiday stress as a couple, you aren't just surviving the season; you are building relationship resilience that will serve you all year long. You’ve got this—together.

Author Holly Sullivan is a certified EFT therapist practicing in Phoenix, Arizona. She offers both in-person and virtual sessions. She is passionate about being a couples therapist and helping relationships create secure, loving connections.