3 Reasons Why Couples Therapy Isn't Working for You 

It’s one of the most painful places to be. You keep going to couples therapy. But it’s not working. The sessions feel draining, the fights at home are just as bad (or worse), and the hopeless feeling in your gut is growing. You might even start thinking, "Maybe we're just not fixable."

Although it may feel like your relationship is doomed, the real problem might be that the kind of therapy you're getting isn't effective or helpful. We're going to explore three honest, common reasons why couples therapy isn't working for you and how to find a path toward real, lasting change.

Reason 1: Your Couples Therapy Stays on the Surface

You might think couples therapy involves mainly managing conflict. But if your sessions are only focused on the "content" of your arguments—the dishes, the money, who forgot to take out the trash—you will never get to the root of the problem.

The Problem with "Refereeing" Fights

Does your therapy session feel like you're in front of a judge? The therapist might be acting as a "referee," trying to stop the fight, negotiate a compromise, or figure out who is "right" and who is "wrong."

This fails because it ignores the why beneath the fight. The fight about the dishes is almost never about the dishes. It’s about a deeper, unspoken emotional question: "Do I matter to you?" "Can I count on you?" "Am I all alone in this?" A therapist who just negotiates a dish-washing schedule leaves you with a truce, but the emotional wound continues to fester.

When "Communication Skills" Aren't Enough

Another common surface-level approach is an over-emphasis on "communication skills." You might be taught to use "I-statements" or practice reflective listening.

While these tools are valuable, they are completely ineffective when you are emotionally distressed. Trying to use an "I-statement" when your attachment alarm is blaring is like being handed a grammar book in the middle of a house fire. When we're triggered, our primitive brain takes over. We don't need new scripts; we need to feel emotionally safe. True change comes from understanding the music beneath the words—the raw emotion and the attachment cry—not just polishing the words themselves.

Reason 2: Ignoring the "Cycle"

Here is one of the most important concepts I teach couples: The enemy is not your partner. The enemy is the negative interactional cycle you are both stuck in.

In EFT, we call this the "dance." It’s a predictable, self-perpetuating pattern that hijacks your relationship. Usually, one partner becomes the "pursuer"—they poke, prod, criticize, or demand in an attempt to get a reaction, to feel that their partner is still there. The other partner becomes the "withdrawer"—they shut down, go silent, get logical, or physically leave the room to protect themselves and the relationship from more conflict.

The pursuer just feels more abandoned and pursues harder. The withdrawer just feels more attacked and withdraws further. Sound familiar?

When Therapy Feels Like a Blame Game

If a therapist doesn't have a map for this cycle, they can accidentally make it worse. They might (overtly or subtly) "blame" one partner. The pursuer is told they are "too critical" or "too emotional." The withdrawer is told they are "stonewalling" or "not trying."

This leaves both partners feeling ashamed and misunderstood, and it only reinforces the very pattern that's tearing you apart. You feel seen as the "problem," rather than being seen as stuck in the problem. To learn more about how the negative interactional cycle affects relationships, click here. 

The Power of Making the Cycle the Enemy

A well-trained couples therapist will help you both see this cycle as a common enemy. When I map out this "dance" for a couple in my office, the relief is palpable.

The blame lifts. You can finally stop seeing your partner as the "bad guy" and see them as someone who is stuck and in pain, just like you. This shift is the first, essential step toward de-escalating the conflict and being able to truly hear each other's hearts.

Reason 3: You Don't Have the Right Therapeutic Fit

This last reason is a practical one, and it may be the most important. Finding the right therapist is crucial, and the truth is that not all therapists who see couples are experts in couples therapy.

Couples Therapy is a Specialty, Not a General Skill

Working with a couple is fundamentally different from working with an individual. In individual therapy, the "client" is the person in the chair. In couples therapy, the "client" is the relationship itself—the bond, the dance, the dynamic between you.

This requires highly specialized training. Many well-meaning generalist therapists may offer couples counseling, but they may not have in-depth, postgraduate training in a proven, research-backed model. It’s like asking a general practitioner to perform specialized heart surgery. If you're wondering what to do if marriage counseling fails, the first step is often finding the right couples therapist who has this specialty.

What to Look for: A Specialist in Emotion and Attachment

You have a right to find a therapist who can truly help. Instead of a generalist, look for a specialist trained in a model like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

EFT is one of the most successful and well-researched approaches to couples therapy available. It is designed to do exactly what we've been talking about: get under the surface-level fights, identify the negative cycle, and help you create new, positive patterns of interaction that build a secure, loving bond. 

When Couples Therapy Isn’t Working for You: What Now?

It's okay to stop and seek a different path. You are not "failing" therapy; your therapy may be failing you.

Ask Potential Therapists These Questions

When you are looking for a new therapist, don't be afraid to interview them. A good therapist will welcome these questions.

• "What is your specific training in couples therapy?"

• "What model or approach do you use? (e.g., EFT, Gottman, etc.)"

• "How do you see the 'problem' in our relationship? What is your map for change?"

• "How do you work with emotions in session? What happens when we start to fight?"

What "Working" Therapy Should Feel Like

Good couples therapy is challenging, but it should feel safe.

You should feel that your therapist "gets" both of you and isn't taking sides. You should feel like they have a clear plan. You should feel them actively guiding you toward each other's underlying emotions, not just managing your fights. It should feel like you have a skilled, compassionate guide helping you both fight against your negative cycle.

Don't Give Up on Connection

These common signs therapy isn't working are not a sign that your relationship is over. They are a sign that you need a different map. That longing you feel for connection, even under all the anger and hurt, is the proof that your bond is still there and worth fighting for. 

Author Holly Sullivan is a certified EFT therapist practicing in Phoenix, Arizona. She offers both in-person and virtual sessions. She is passionate about being a couples therapist and helping relationships create secure, loving connections.