How Does My Attachment Style Affect My Relationship?

Does it ever feel like you and your partner are stuck in the same argument, just with a different script? One night it’s about who will unload the dishwasher, the next it's about a comment made to friends, but the feeling underneath is always the same: one of you feels unheard, and the other feels under attack. This painful pattern might look like one partner pleading, "Can we please just talk about this?" while the other retreats, saying, "There's no point, it's just going to be a fight."

This recurring relationship disconnection is exhausting, and can leave you both feeling hopeless and alone in the relationship. You’re caught in a cycle, an invisible dance fueled by our deepest needs for safety and connection. The path forward, away from the conflict and toward each other, begins with understanding how attachment styles affect relationships. This knowledge can help change the dance between you and your mate.

What Are Attachment Styles? 

Developed by psychologist John Bowlby, attachment theory suggests that our earliest bonds with caregivers create a blueprint for how we navigate relationships in adulthood. This blueprint, or attachment style, shapes our expectations of others, how we respond to intimacy, and what we do when we feel threatened or disconnected.

It’s important to know that these attachment styles are not rigid, unchangeable labels. They are just our nervous system’s strategy for staying connected with our partner. By understanding our default patterns, we can begin to consciously create new, more satisfying ways of relating to the person we love most.

Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles

Couples in distress often find themselves in a dynamic fueled by two common patterns: the anxious and the avoidant styles.

The Anxious Attachment Style: "Are you really there for me?"

If you have an anxious attachment style, you fear disconnect or abandonment. When you sense distance from your partner, your alarm bells go off. You might feel a desperate need for reassurance to know that everything is okay and that you are still loved.

This often leads to "pursuing" behaviors. You might call or text frequently, seek constant validation, or escalate a conflict to get an emotional response—any response—from your partner. This isn't a flaw; it's an "attachment cry." It's your way of trying to close the distance and restore a sense of safety and emotional connection.

The Avoidant Attachment Style: "I need space to feel safe."

For those with an avoidant attachment style, you might fear being engulfed, controlled, or losing your sense of self in the relationship. When conflict arises, you feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your partner's emotions (and your own). Your go-to strategy is to create distance to feel safe and create calm.

This can look like "withdrawing" behavior. You might shut down emotionally, turn your focus to logic and problem-solving, change the subject, or physically leave the room. This is not a sign that you don't care. It is an ingrained protective strategy to manage overwhelming feelings and regain a sense of calm and control.

We’re in a Vicious Cycle

Here is where the real trouble begins. The anxious and avoidant styles are like two sides of the same magnet, often drawing one another in but creating a cycle of frustration. The more the anxious partner pursues for connection, the more overwhelmed and criticized the avoidant partner feels, causing them to withdraw. The more the avoidant partner withdraws for safety, the more abandoned and terrified the anxious partner feels, causing them to pursue even harder. This is the negative cycle, and it is the true enemy in your relationship—not your partner.

Let’s Create Secure Attachment 

A secure attachment is the feeling of having a safe harbor in your partner. It’s the deep-down knowledge that you can turn to them in times of need and they will be there for you. It’s marked by trust, emotional availability, and the resilience to repair arguments and reconnect. You feel seen, heard, and valued, creating a powerful emotional connection that can weather any storm.

This work can be challenging to do on your own. You might choose to work with a skilled couples therapist to help you. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of couples therapy grounded in attachment science. EFT is considered the gold standard for couples therapy, based on over 30 years of research. If therapy isn’t an option, try reading “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson, co-creator of EFT, for insight on getting started with creating secure connection. Change is possible. You can stop the painful dance of conflict and begin creating a secure, loving partnership–regardless of your attachment style.

Author Holly Sullivan is a certified EFT therapist practicing in Phoenix, Arizona. She offers both in-person and virtual sessions. She is passionate about being a couples therapist and helping relationships create secure, loving connections.