Creating Financial Intimacy: How to Talk About Money With Your Partner

When the topic of money comes up, do you and your partner suddenly find yourselves on opposite teams? One person might be focused on saving for the future, while the other is worried about the immediate costs of day-to-day life. You are not alone. Even the most loving partners can feel like adversaries when it comes to money. 

But financial stress doesn’t have to pull you and your partner apart. You and your partner can learn to create financial intimacy, so that you both can be open about your financial fears and dreams with each other. Building this kind of trust isn’t about having a perfect budget; it’s about fundamentally changing how you talk about money with your partner. Read on to learn more. 

Why Money Talk Feels So Hard 

Conversations about money are rarely just about dollars and cents. Money is about our most basic human need for safety, security, and stability. When we feel financially insecure, it can trigger our deepest attachment fears. Will we be okay? Will I be taken care of? Are we safe? When these primal questions are activated, it's easy to get pulled into a painful, repetitive conflict pattern. 

Additionally, the impact of inflation on relationships is creating havoc for many couples. Couples that once felt secure are now being triggered, getting caught in a pattern of relationship disconnect.  

The "Money Dance"

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we call these patterns a negative cycle, or a "dance." When it comes to money issues in relationships, this dance often has predictable steps. See if you recognize yourself in one of these roles:

• The Pursuer: Feeling anxious about the finances, you might try to solve the problem by bringing it up frequently. You might ask questions about spending, create budgets, and try to get your partner to engage. To your partner, this can feel like criticism, control, or nagging. But underneath, you are likely feeling scared and are desperately trying to feel secure and connected to your partner around the issue.

  
  

• The Withdrawer: Feeling overwhelmed, criticized, or ashamed by the money talk, you might shut down. You may avoid the conversation, say "I don't want to talk about this right now," or agree to anything just to make it stop. This withdrawal is a form of self-protection, but it often leaves the Pursuer feeling abandoned and more anxious, which in turn makes them pursue more.

  
  

Recognize this dance? The most important thing to remember is that the cycle is the enemy, not your partner. 

How to Talk About Money With Your Partner Productively

You can break the cycle and create a new, positive pattern of connection. It requires intention and a willingness to be vulnerable. Here are three beginning steps to how to talk about money with your partner:

Step 1: Schedule a "Money Date"

Never ambush your partner with a stressful money conversation. Don't bring it up late at night when you're both exhausted or right after a stressful day at work. Instead, schedule a "money date." Put it on the calendar. Agree to come to the conversation calmly, with the shared goal of understanding each other, not fixing everything at once.

Step 2: Start with Your Shared Dream

Instead of leading with a problem, lead with a shared vision. This immediately frames the conversation around teamwork. It could sound like:

• "I was thinking about our dream of taking the kids on that big vacation, and I'd love for us to talk about how we can make that happen."

• "My biggest goal is for us to feel secure and peaceful about our future. Can we brainstorm together about that?"

  
  

This approach aligns you as partners working toward the same goal, which is the foundation of couples financial planning.

Step 3: Use "I Feel" Statements to Share Your Inner World

Instead of launching an accusation, share your softer, vulnerable emotions. The goal is to invite your partner into your emotional world so they can understand what's happening inside you.

• Instead of: "You're always spending so much on things we don't need."

• Consider: "I feel scared when I look at our bank account balance. There's a part of me that worries we won't be okay, and I really need to feel like we're in this together."

  
  

This vulnerability is an invitation for empathy, not a trigger for defensiveness. Want to learn more about having vulnerable conversations without triggering the negative relationship cycle? Click to explore more. 

Building Lasting Financial Intimacy 

Learning to talk about money this way is not a one-time fix but an ongoing practice. Each time you have a calm, connected conversation about your finances, you are doing more than just managing a budget. You are sending a powerful message to your partner: "You are safe with me. We can handle anything together." 

This is the true goal of financial intimacy. It's knowing you have a secure base with your partner, a safe haven where you can bring your biggest fears and be met with understanding and support. When you can face financial stress as a united team, you aren't just protecting your finances; you are strengthening the foundation of your relationship. If starting these conversations feels too hard, consider couples therapy with an EFT therapist. You can do this. You can face this together.

Author Holly Sullivan is a certified EFT therapist practicing in Phoenix, Arizona. She offers both in-person and virtual sessions. She is passionate about being a couples therapist and helping relationships create secure, loving connections.