Can Individual Therapy Help My Relationship Issues?

Are you ready to work on your relationship, but your partner isn’t receptive to couples therapy? Maybe your partner is scared, skeptical, or just not ready. Whatever the reason, you’re left wondering, can therapy help my relationship if I’m going solo?

Absolutely, yes! While it may feel like you’re trying to row a boat with only one oar, starting therapy on your own can be a powerful step, not just for you, but for the entire dynamic of your partnership.

Why Your Solo Effort Matters

While joint effort is the ideal, it’s not the only path to change. Think of your relationship as a dance. Over the years, you and your partner have learned a specific set of steps. When a conflict starts, you both instinctively fall into this familiar, painful choreography. It’s a dance that no one enjoys, but you both know the moves by heart.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) calls this the "negative interactional cycle." It’s this cycle—this dance—that is the real enemy in your relationship, not your partner. The beautiful thing is, if one person changes their steps, the entire dance has to change. The old rhythm is broken. Your partner may try the old moves for a while, but when you’re no longer responding in the same way, the pattern can’t continue. Your solo effort creates a ripple effect that can shift the whole system.

Understanding Your Role in the Relationship Issues

The goal of individual therapy for relationship issues isn’t to blame you or place the burden of "fixing" everything on your shoulders. It’s about empowerment. It’s about deeply understanding your own steps in the dance so you can make new, more conscious choices.

Most couples get caught in a pursue-withdraw pattern. One partner (the "pursuer") pushes for connection, often through criticism or questions, because they feel disconnected and scared. The other partner (the "withdrawer") pulls away, shutting down or getting quiet to keep the peace and manage their own overwhelm.

Individual counseling for relationship problems helps you to see your role clearly. Are you the one knocking on the door, trying to get a reaction? Or are you the one who retreats, hoping the storm will pass? Recognizing your pattern without judgment is a crucial step toward changing it.

Healing Your "Raw Spots"

We all have "raw spots"—deep emotional sensitivities, often stemming from our past, that get triggered in our current relationships. These are the moments when our reaction feels bigger than the situation warrants.

For example, let’s talk about Sarah. Growing up, Sarah often felt ignored by her busy parents. Now, when her partner, Mark, glances at his phone while she's sharing something important, it touches that old wound. That raw spot of feeling invisible is triggered, and a wave of anger and sadness washes over her. Her reaction isn’t just about the phone; it’s about a lifetime of feeling unseen. Therapy helps you identify and process your own raw spots, so they don’t get so activated with your partner.

Learning to Speak from a Softer Place

Often, the anger and frustration we show our partners are just the tip of the iceberg. These are secondary emotions that protect the much more vulnerable primary emotions underneath—like sadness or fear of abandonment. We lash out in anger because it feels safer than saying, "I’m scared you’re pulling away from me."

Therapy helps with improving communication skills by learning to identify and share these softer, primary emotions. When you can say, "I felt a pang of loneliness when you worked late again," instead of "You never prioritize me," you invite your partner to connect with your vulnerability rather than defend against your accusation. 

New Beginnings

When you start showing up differently—less reactive, more open, clearer in your communication—it creates a new emotional climate. Your partner, who is used to the old dance, will notice. By focusing on your own growth, you are taking a brave and powerful first step toward creating the connection you both long for. 

Author Holly Sullivan is a certified EFT therapist practicing in Phoenix, Arizona. She offers both in-person and virtual sessions. She is passionate about being a couples therapist and helping relationships create secure, loving connections.