Do you feel distant from your partner? Does your relationship feel strained? Maybe you can’t pinpoint the exact problem. But you wonder if your relationship might be in trouble. Even the strongest relationships have rough patches. A rough patch doesn’t have to be catastrophic and can be an opportunity to intervene and address issues with your partner. Here are some key indicators that might mean it’s time to work on your relationship:
- Communication Breakdown. When basic communication breaks down, simple misunderstandings
can escalate into larger conflicts. For example, you and your partner may be talking about a seemingly small
issue, like who is going to do dishes tonight. The conversation begins to feel triggering–perhaps it’s your
partner’s tone of voice or facial expression that sparks upset within you. Somehow, you both end up in a
quarrel, then maybe not speaking to each other. You wonder, "What happened? How did we go from talking about
the dishes to feeling like we are enemies?" When simple conversations go south and trigger crispy conflict,
this is indication of your relationship needing attention.
- Criticism and Contempt. Behaviors like eye rolling or sarcasm might feel harmless, but
they can erode your relationship over time. Criticism and contempt can become part of a negative cycle with
your mate, where you both feel disconnected from each other and hurt. Try to catch yourself in this negative
cycle and be curious, asking yourself, “When I showed my partner frustration, what was I really feeling
underneath? Was I sad or hurt? Am I needing something from my partner that I’m not getting?” When needs go
unmet, we might show our significant other anger, but underneath, we are feeling sad and alone. When these
feelings aren’t communicated clearly and vulnerably, your partner can’t respond appropriately and meet your
needs. The negative cycle between you continues.
- Growing Apart. Over time, it’s natural for people to change and develop different
interests. However, if you find that you and your mate seem to be drifting apart with diverging interests,
goals or values, it may indicate deeper disconnect. Perhaps there are unresolved emotional wounds creating a
divide between you. You also may be struggling with how to discuss the disconnect with your partner. Maybe
you’re worried that approaching the topic might trigger conflict, making issues worse, so you avoid the
conversation. This is normal. After all, your partner is probably one of the most important people in your
life, if not the most important, so you naturally would be worried about stirring up conflict. However, by
avoiding issues, you both are unable to improve your marriage or relationship.
- Feeling Unsupported. Do you feel alone in your relationship? Are you wanting more support
or encouragement, but feel your partner just isn’t there for you? If you consistently feel unsupported or
emotionally neglected in your relationship, it may be time to address this issue. Otherwise, feelings of
loneliness and isolation will build and strain your partnership. And guess what? If you’re feeling the
relationship disconnect, chances are that your partner is too.
- Persistent Gut Feeling. Is your gut feeling trying to tell you something? Intuition is a
powerful indicator that something isn’t right in your relationship. Maybe you can’t identify the exact
issue, but your gut knows something is off. Listen to your gut. Trust your instincts and pay attention to
your unease. These feelings may be indicating that your relationship requires attention and effort to
address underlying issues. Consider talking with your partner about your worry that something is off between
you. The conversation can open the door to addressing issues that may be disconnecting you both.
If your relationship is experiencing one or more of these signs, your relationship is NOT doomed–it just needs TLC. Better marriage communication and connectedness requires ongoing effort and willingness to address challenges together. If you want to learn ways to improve your relationship, consider seeking help from a qualified couples therapist. Ultimately, being proactive and committed to working through issues can strengthen your bond and create a happier relationship.
Holly Sullivan, LCSW
Holly Sullivan is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist at My Phoenix Therapist in Phoenix, AZ. With over two decades of clinical experience, she specializes in couples therapy, relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and life transitions. She is one of a relatively small number of EFT-certified therapists in Arizona and continues rigorous annual training. Holly sees clients in person at her North Phoenix office and via telehealth throughout Arizona.